Wednesday, January 20, 2016


So I swore off Facebook for the new year.  Well, at least for awhile.  I happened to look back in my "on this day" memories, and I saw that I had rung in all the even-numbered years with a facebook fast.  Not wanting to break tradition, I decided to go for it again.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'll tell you that I still play FarmVille 2 here and there.  But I don't browse the feed, I don't look at anyone's pages, and I even took the fb app off my phone.

I knew I spent a lot of time staring aimlessly at my phone for fb-related things, but I wasn't expecting so much time to suddenly be freed up.  It's an interesting feeling.  Partially, I feel like an idiot for becoming one of those mindless drones that stares at their phone, blocking out all external stimuli.  But then there's this part of me that's always glad to learn a lesson- even if in that lesson I realize that I'm a total doofus.

Also, for the first time in a long time, I've felt like I had something to actually sit and write about.  It's like social media has sucked up all my creative brain powers, leaving me with nothing but an empty head and unseeing eyes.  I'm not thrilled at the amount of time it took to figure this out.

Another interesting tidbit is that I have this rather expensive smartphone that now seems nearly useless to me because I don't need it in my hand constantly anymore.  Yes, I still make calls and send texts....but compared to the time spent browsing facebook, the time I spend actually communicating with real, live people seems pretty small.  It's a funny thought, because I've looked at my phone several times in the past 20 days and thought, "what do I need this for anymore?"  I only pay $12/month, so at least that's better than what I know most people around me are paying.

I realized how much we all revolve around what we see on social media.  At least once a day, someone says to me, "did you see what so-and-so posted on facebook?"  Before, the answer was usually yes.  Now, obviously, I'm out of the loop.  But I don't feel out of the loop.  Or, perhaps more accurately, I just don't really care about the loop anymore.  I like the fact that I'm probably going to have to make extra effort to connect with people in real life....and I'm totally OK with this.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

lots of little updates

I feel like life has been moving at a breakneck pace recently, so I'd like to take a moment to jot down some "moments to remember" for my own no one reads this blog but me, and sometimes not even then.

I quit WGU in February and started taking ministry courses through my local church district.  I had the giant realization that finishing my degree was NOT the direction I was supposed to be heading in.  I was called to youth ministry 7 years ago, but I've found excuse after excuse to turn my attention to other things.  Time to stop running!  I've completed one class so far, and four of my Indiana Wesleyan courses transferred in.  I officially became a locally licensed minster of the Church of the Nazarene on June 8th, and will be qualified to try for my district license next year, upon the completion of one more class!

I spent so long looking for the specifics of my call and questioning the importance of good prep that I wasted a crazy amount of time.  Sometimes you gotta take a literal leap of faith, even when you don't know what you're going to land in.  I'm not great at that, but I'm learning.

Dylan is almost 2!  I can't believe it!  He's the silliest kid I know, and I love him more than I ever thought possible.  He has so many funny quirks, and he keeps us laughing all day long.  He LOVES to clap for himself.....after any and every small task.  Took his socks off?  Clap!  Threw something in the trash?  Clap!  Smacked the dog under the guise of brushing the dog's hair?  CLAP!  And he laughs at everything...and slaps his knee while doing so.  It's the funniest thing ever.  He's a little slow on the whole talking thing.  He understands whatever you say to him, but he doesn't hardly care to speak back.  He says "up" quite a bit, and one of his first words was "light!", which is humorous to me.  If we go into a place with 57 lights, he'll say light 57 times....not kidding.  Another favorite word is "hawk!" which Grandpa, who is a Chicago Blackhawks fan, taught him.  So now every time he sees the Blackhawk mascot, he erupts into shrieks of "hawk! hawk! HAWK!!!"  Grandpa is pretty proud.  And Dylan is a TOTAL Grandpa's boy, so his weekends are spent following Grandpa around as he works on his truck or weeds the garden.  Lots of good skills for a little guy to learn!  Dylan is in swim lessons right now, and he's really taken to jumping off the wall to mom or dad.  It's just crazy to me how big he is getting!

In other news, we're looking to rent a house.  Our credit is being worked on with the endgame of being able to buy, but it will probably be early 2015 before we are able to do that.  Sigh.  We'll get there!

Sunday, June 16, 2013

a lack of motivation

and today i feel like a loser.

i just emailed my college mentor and asked about taking a 2-month hiatus.

i SUCK at online schooling.

my priorities really stink at the moment.  well, they've stunk for years, if you want me to be honest, but i'm slowly realizing just how awful they truly are.  i started working back at my aunt's seasonal restaurant a few weeks ago, and i love the place.  (i hate it, too.)  it's in varying states of disrepair and some of the people are a pain in my rear, but i LOVE the restaurant biz, and i think it loves me, too.  but my schoolwork has taken a hit since i started (not that anything could do much more damage than my lazy inability to complete ANY work has done thus far), and i know that if i want to continue working, which i do, that i won't complete anything in the first few months of the upcoming term.

i need a better plan of attack.

but then, wgu isn't what i thought it would be.  i knew going in that i would have to work hard.  structure is kinda my thing, and i knew that a school that lets me learn at my own pace might show me quickly just how unmotivated i really am.  i'm really disappointed in myself.  after i typed out an email to my mentor about taking a break, i just sat and started aimlessly at the computer for awhile, willing myself not to cry (did i mention i'm still on prednisone? lol.).  i feel so i've just been wasting time and money and not really getting anywhere.  how dumb!  seriously.  i am so aggravated with myself that my lack of self-control is so OUT OF CONTROL that i've spent 18 months barely completing 10 courses when originally i was hoping to be DONE, or very close to it, at this point.  let me tell you, i've got a long way to go!


anyone know of a support group for unmotivated idiots?  if so, could you kindly point me in that direction?

Saturday, June 1, 2013

school daze


time to buckle down.  just a month more of this semester to go, and i have three of my four classes to finish.  eek.  i have really struggled to get things finished, as i always seem to be able to find "better" things to do with my time.  in reality, though, i'm just wasting time AND money and not getting anything accomplished.  that's me, though.  i'd really like to be able to say that i'm a good self-starter and that i am easily motivated...and when it comes to some things....i am!  just not this.  i'm not sure what that means, exactly.

i DO want to teach, but i am disheartened every day reading accounts of teachers who are leaving the profession because of politics.  now is NOT a good time to be going into teaching.  so do i finish my degree?  i'm not sure.

i'm just not sure.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

bouncing off the walls- the story of a new lease on life

Two weeks ago, Prednisone became my BEST friend.

After a routine blood test (that I should have done multiple times a year, but somehow had managed to go nearly TWO years without!) showed that I was having an uber-positive (read- negative for me) reaction to some cool stuff growing in my lungs called aspergillus. doctor prescribed a massive prednisone regimen that I'll be trucking along with til November.

I wasn't excited about this.  At all.

Prednisone, which does do many a great thing for many a person, has some gnarly side effects.  For me in particular, prednisone tends to take every muscle in my body and make it feel like I've been beaten with a meat tenderizing hammer for days.  Even my face muscles feel the abuse.  Other side effects include retaining water, high levels of energy (but at odd 1:30 in the morning), extreme hunger and extreme mood swings.

So to say that I took the phone call from clinic that day with a sad heart would be pretty accurate.

But here's the thing......


I feel better than I have in MONTHS....probably years.  I'm aggravated with myself that I went so long without getting my IgE checked because then I maybe wouldn't have spent the past year or so feeling so freakin' crappy.  I've been bringing up tons of hard mucus plugs (just what you wanted to read, right?  I hope you weren't mid-meal or anything) and I really feel very CLEAR for the first time in a LONG time.  I go to clinic next week, so I'm hoping to see a positive reflection with my PFT numbers.  It would be really disappointing to see my numbers stuck with as good as I'm feeling.

So the extra other awesome plus to feeling this good is that I finally feel like I'm getting stuff DONE.  Most days, getting out of bed and taking care of Dylan is about all I'm good for.  But suddenly, I can clean our apartment!  I can keep up with tornado Adam (seriously, my husband is like a very hairy wind tunnel)!  I can do FUN things with Dylan!  I don't feel like I need a nap every 5 minutes!  I have a bit of motivation for LIFE in general!

It's very exciting times around here, folks!  I'm taking advantage of all the extra energy as best I can.....making the transition to cloth diapers with Dylan (when I felt crappy, the mere thought of switching over was enough to make me fall off into sleep), making all the homemade cleaners and remedies I've been researching for months, learning to quilt, cooking.....the list is endless, for now!

I'm praying that I can keep some of this newfound is SO much easier and enjoyable when I can breathe free!

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

north carolina livin'

I wrote this back in July as we were preparing to come home from Boone.  I never published it because I didn't have time to finish it.  I'm gonna do my best to sum it up and post it now.  A couple of good thoughts here.


So it's our last full day of vacation here in Boone, and I find myself sitting at the kitchen table a little teary-eyed.  Yes, I'm 30 weeks pregnant and can definitely attribute some of the awkward emotional stuff to this pregnancy....but if I'm being honest, this usually happens to me when the time comes to head back from NC.  (This is my 7th or 8th time here to Boone since my first visit in 1997.)

This week has literally been stress free (outside of coming home from the fireworks at Bethel last night- we had to detour on a horribly steep, curvy mountain road that we were totally unfamiliar it was dark and foggy....eek).  I've had a lot of time to reflect on what makes my Indiana home so different from this one.    An obvious difference is the scenery.....duh.  NE Indiana has no mountains, and almost no hills, to speak of.  When I first came to NC, I was eight years old, and immediately I fell in love with the gorgeous mountains, valleys, lakes and rivers that abound in this area.  The first time Adam came down with me (spring of '08), I already knew I was going to marry him.....but he definitely sealed the deal when he said, "I could definitely get used to waking up and seeing this everyday," as we were headed into Boone one afternoon.

The pace of life is slower here, but I think that's just a Southern thing.  Not that life necessarily moves at break-neck speed in my small farming community back home, but there's just something different about the way things flow down here.

My thoughts are so jumbled, I'm having a hard time organizing them enough to write out.....I apologize.

I think one of the real tests of this week for me was that Stan, Carrie and the boys were NOT going to be here.  I needed to find out if this place holds the same appeal for me with them not here.  While it's a little different (mostly because they're our tour guides generally, and this time we had to strike it out on our own), I can safely say that outside of the greatness of my awesome family, this place really IS as good as I've thought all along.

I've had some anxiety the past few visits, and it's been a little odd.  I know that I love it here, and the thought of going home generally makes me cringe....but I've really had to question myself about whether I could make it as a Southerner.  That's probably an odd thing to think, but it weighs pretty heavily on me.  "Do I belong here?" becomes a frequent mantra that's hard to quell.

----That's where the original ends.  I'll expound a bit.

It really used to bother me that I didn't really know anyone in Boone outside of my family.  But the more I thought about it....I had to wonder if my thoughts are typically that absurd.  It's overwhelmingly obvious to most normal people that when you move to a totally new place, you don't usually know anyone.  Duh?  Must be the shy little five-year-old in me that struggled with this.

It's been 8 months since we were in Boone, and though we're hopefully going back this summer, it seems like every day we get a little farther away.  We're looking at houses here in Indiana.  As much as we both want to be in North Carolina, we know that, sadly, it's not super practical right now.  So we're juggling the excitement of owning a home with the sad reality that we aren't going to make it there now...and maybe not ever.  All in God's timing, I guess.  Hopefully His clock for us includes some mountain hours....

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

as it turns out, i am incredibly horrible at this blogging thing.

i remember the good ol' days back in high school when i'd come home, eat a snack, and blog.....5 days a week. i had a lot to say back then...but, most high school kids with big mouths (and small brains) do.

guess i can make a quick update....that, fortunately, doesn't take too much thought.

we found out in January that we were pregnant!  i'm now 21 weeks and 2 days along (over halfway!) and we found out at the end of March that it's a boy!  we're naming him Dylan Robert.  we'd been trying for about 19 months to get pregnant, so when i saw those two pink lines show up, i was a little taken aback.  only recently has it struck me as, "hey, this is REALLY happening!" as i've started to feel him move around.

cf got kinda tricky for me during the first trimester.  i had to stop/change a few meds and things got a little dicey.  my lung function dropped to 35% (eek!), lower than i can ever remember it being.  i did 20 days of IV meds and bounced back within the first 6 days of my hectic med/therapy schedule.  (when i say hectic, i mean it....i had 14 hours of iv's and other therapy each day.  exhausting.)

we ended our time with the Geneva youth group right about the time we found out i was pregnant.  i guess i should say that the pastor ended our time.  to make a horrifically long story short, we were in frequent disagreement with her over....well, everything.  she made no bones about being upset that we were only "satellite" leaders and were still heavily involved at another church, though she knew that from the get-go.  she constantly tried to get us to commit to more than we could handle, and when we sat down and said, "we can't do all this!" she was pretty aggravated.  she made it pretty clear that she cared more about the fact that there just WAS a youth program and not so much about the kids who were really there (read- she was into the numbers)....and when i pointed that out via email to her one week, she chose to be silent for about 6 days...then fired us, also via email, and told us to mail back the key.  i was devastated!  the way it ended showed even less care for the teens who had accumulated under the program....we were essentially asked to drop them like hot potatoes.  it's been hard to keep up with them without a program.  some of them have been coming to our home church, but some we lost touch with.  sigh.  it's still a touchy subject for me.

i started school again in this time.  i really want to finish my el ed degree, but the motivation to do so is rather evasive.  the first two classes (gen ed) flew by with little problem...or effort!  but the two I've been working on since february are a different story entirely.  i've come to see that the ed dept with this school is....unorganized....and they seem to have a 9 year old setting up most of the "important stuff to read" that pertains to each class.  it's been endlessly upsetting......but i think i'm making a bit of progress.  i'll just say it- i have a hard time being "educated" by people who can't set this crap up correctly. example- one of my classes basically involves writing a 10-15 pg research essay.  there were no guidelines for the topic outside of it being "researchable."  not hard, right?  so i chose a topic, got it approved by a class mentor, and spent a week working on the requirements of the paper........only to have another mentor contact me OVER A WEEK LATER to say that my topic was not acceptable.  i argued with them for two weeks (their arguments were AWFUL and nonsensical, but they wouldn't budge) and did what i could to conform to their advice....but got so terribly angry over the whole thing that i just gave up and moved on.  good times.

ok seriously, that's all for now.  that went on way longer than i'd planned, as usual!

hopefully i can start sucking less at this blogging thing....but don't hold your breath.